LETTERS TO LANDON: I DIDN’T KNOW

My little Landon,

It was early October almost two years ago when I found out that you were growing inside my belly. I fell in love with you before I ever heard your heartbeat or saw your profile on a grainy, black and white ultrasound machine. Before your Daddy and I announced that our little family would be growing, I remember being in a crowd and smiling to myself over the sacred secret I was carrying, wondering all the while what it would be like to hold you in my arms.  I didn’t know.

There’s not a day that goes by that I don’t wake up thankful that Jesus chose me to be your Mama. He could have chosen anyone. Yet somehow, He chose me – and it’s my life’s greatest honor. I knew that I would love you, Landon. I just didn’t know how loving you would change my heart.

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I didn’t know that seeing the way your Daddy loves you would heal a brokenness in my heart that I never thought possible. I didn’t know that I could have a peace that truly passes all understanding in the midst of much sacrifice. I didn’t know that you would be the best thing I’ve ever done, and that loving you would be a treasure and privilege I’ll never stop thanking Jesus for. I didn’t know what it meant to be needed, to feel little fingers wrap around mine, to hear the sweet sound of you calling me “Mama,” or to rejoice over the way your eyes light up when you discover something new.

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I didn’t know how much you would teach me. You’ve shown me the little world we share with new eyes, my love. Because of your sweet sense of wonder, your joy, your curiosity, and your laughter… I’ve seen Jesus’ goodness in a way that I never have before. You’ve taught me to be present, to take in the world around me, and to be braver than I’ve ever had to be before.

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I’m so thankful for you, my boy. It’s so crazy to think that I always pictured myself with all girls, because now that you’re mine, I can’t imagine a world without you.

I’ll love you forever, and always more than the day before.

Love,

Mama

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