For as long as I can remember, I’ve wanted to be a Momma. Just that word- Momma- could easily be considered my favorite word, which I’m sure, is the result of having the best Momma in the world, myself. My Momma is a true Proverbs 31 Woman, a woman of strength and Godly character, a woman I’ve always wanted to be just like. She taught me everything about what being a Momma means, through the good times and the bad, through the tears and the laughter, through every season, through every mountaintop and valley.
For years, my biggest fear was that I wouldn’t be able to have a baby. I was terrified that there would be something wrong with me when that time came to start “trying,” and that I would never get to experience carrying a life inside of me. I don’t know where this fear came from, but it took root in my heart at far too early of an age to even be considering this kind of issue and it only grew stronger and more haunting as I grew up. I remember talking to Grayson about it when we were still engaged. The topic of how long we wanted to wait before we started a family had come up and I shared with him that not being able to have children was one of my biggest fears, something I thought about almost every day. “Just the word ‘infertility’ absolutely terrifies me,” I told him. He wrapped me up in his arms and said not to worry, that Jesus had already written our story, and reminded me of the passage in Matthew 6 that tells us not to waste time worrying about the future.
Getting pregnant after only nine months of marriage was nowhere in our plan. It’s ironic to me, how terrified I’ve been of not being able to have babies, like I’ve always planned (and dreamed and hoped for), because although God has blessed me with what I’ve always wanted, He’s still teaching me through the timing of it. He’s teaching me that my plans really don’t mean anything. 1 Peter 16:9 says, “In his heart, a man plans his course, but the Lord determines his steps.” We have two choices there: we can either let it terrify us, or comfort us. It took me a while, but I’ve finally learned to let it be my greatest comfort. How incredible is it that my Father has already written my story, that He not only knows the number of hairs on my head, but cares about the intricate details of my everyday life? He’s a good, good Father. Knowing this compels me to trust Him. It compels me to pursue His heart and crave His closeness. It draws me in and makes me want to wholeheartedly chase after whatever season He’s called me into: and this time, it’s motherhood. I know I have so much to learn about what that word means, and as scared as I am, I have never been more excited in my life. I get to be a Momma.