He equips the called

As Harper’s due date inches closer and closer, I’ve been spending a lot of time thinking about what life will be like with two little ones. For a short time, I’ll have two under two (Landon turns two in late May) and I’m not going to lie… the thought of having a bouncy, curious toddler alongside a fragile infant kinda-sorta terrifies me. I think back to the early days with Landon – the non-stop nursing, the exhaustion, and just the overwhelming feelings of am I doing this right? am I meeting his needs? how do I know what to do?

Now, don’t get me wrong – first of all, I am ecstatic about Landon becoming a big brother. I always wanted brothers and sisters, and I can’t wait to see them grow up together. Most importantly, I know that this little girl’s life is a miracle and it’s the honor of a lifetime to be able to carry her and raise her up to love the Lord with all her heart, mind, soul, and strength. I also realize that people do this every day – I mean, it’s not like I’m the first person to ever have more than one baby (obviously) and I’m sure I’m not the first one to worry about what the transition will be like, either.

The biggest worry in my mind when I think about bringing another baby into our family is the fear that Landon will feel rejected or replaced or pushed to the side. Just thinking that he could feel even a twinge of that just kills me. He has such a sweet, sensitive spirit. He notices emotion and reacts to it with such compassion and I never want that to change. He and I do everything together and I love our little routines. I share a lot about life with him, but my favorite memories are things no photo could ever capture and usually, no one was there to see. The sweet little hands on my face in the middle of the night, the way his sweet voice calls out “ma-muh?” when he needs a little extra affirmation, the way he comes around the corner dragging his blanket and reaches up for me with those sleepy blue eyes. I can’t explain the bond between a Mama and her boy, but if you know what I’m talking about, you know.

Fleeting feelings of can I really love another baby like I love Landon? have also wrestled in my mind and heart. It feels weird to even “voice” that, but I would be lying if I said it hasn’t crossed my mind. I know my heart will stretch and Jesus will continue to put that Mama-love deep in the most sacred part of my heart, just like He did with Landon and like He already has done from the very first moment I knew she was growing inside of me.

I have been letting myself worry about the tiniest details, though. For instance, how will breastfeeding go this time around? How am I going to sit and nurse a brand new baby with a toddler to chase? He is so hands-on and just into everything and I’m halfway terrified that he’ll tear my house down while I’m nursing (maybe this is a little irrational, but ya know what, I’m 28 weeks pregnant and it seems perfectly likely right about now). How am I going to ever get back into a routine of cooking dinner for my husband with a brand new baby? How am I going to keep Landon from waking up in the night when Harper cries? What if she has colic? What if she’s not a “good baby” like Landon was? What will I do if Landon starts acting out and it seems like he resents the new baby? Will I ever sleep again? Will I ever lose the weight (because I still had a lot of weight to lose from my first pregnancy when I got pregnant again)? Will we ever be able to go out to eat again (that seems pretty terrifying with two babies)? Not to mention just the fear of delivery… because now that I know what it’s really like, the thought of going through it again seems unbearable (way worth it, but terrible).

I mean, I could just go on forever. Worry after worry after worry. What-if after what-if after what-if. And you know what? There’s no reason for it.

Mamas figure it out every day. They have for centuries. And every single time I start feeling overwhelmed or let fear grip my heart, I have to remind myself of that and of the fact that I have to trust in the Lord  with all my strength and lean not on my own understanding (Proverbs 3:5). I know that Jesus equips the called and I’ve never for a half a second questioned whether or not this is my calling. I was made to be a Mama. It’s my greatest joy, my biggest honor, and the privilege of a lifetime.

So, if you’re walking through this same season or any season where a scary, albeit welcome transition is just on the horizon, I want to encourage you to remember that Jesus will equip you. He will go with you, He will never leave you or forsake you (Deuteronomy 31:6). He will guide you through the unknown, comfort you in the newness, and strengthen you in your weakness.


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